I once keyed my neighbors car when I was 8, my parents were so pissed.

i once had a two day crush on the prinicipal from the simpsons

My mom visited my apartment when I wasn't feeling well and started screaming at me and threatened to kick me out of my own place because my room wasn't cleaned up. I'm not even safe in my own place :(

I didn't understand why my dog was licking my belly and sleeping near it instead of near my feet (as usual). Turns out he knew I was pregnant before I did.

back when i was 9 and broke my wrist my dad said "is there blood? no? youre fine"... Thanks dad...

When I was on my period I cried when the Chinese food delivery took too long...

Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

I once had a friend visiting me and staying over at my place. Turns out she talks during her sleep and this one time she just yelled out "I SAID HOLD THE F***ING MAYO!"